The annual bathing suit TRIALS.
(And lets all admit it is a real TRIAL to go swimsuit shopping.)
First and foremost, the pale as a ghost legs and arms that we are all sporting at this time of the year, does nothing to make us look good while in the changing room.
And the change room! Well some of those stores haven't cleaned their change rooms in such a long time that you are afraid to be in them fully clothed.
And the mirrors. Why oh why have so many places removed the mirrors from INSIDE the change room. So if you want to JUDGE how the suit looks, you have to leave the tiny little cubicle and brave the JURY standing out in the store.
Now shall we start talking about the swimsuits that are available for ladies of a certain age or size. Which sadistic person has designed some of these swimsuits that no self respecting lady would ever wear sunbathing much less try swimming in.
Note to all swimwear designers out there---the majority of women do not, I repeat, do not have finely tuned abdomen muscles and a derrière that you could bounce dimes off. And we have bosoms, not little walnut shells up on top.
So now we have rejected almost 98% of the stock that the store has available and we creep in to the creepy change room with the last two choices that we feel MIGHT be suitable.
Leaving our underpanties on, because we all know how much better a suit will look with stray bits hanging over and out, we manage to pull it halfway up before we peek out the door and politely ask the salesperson for the next two sizes up, please.
And the largest size fits. Applause. Applause.
Time to BEAR it all and leave the cozy confines of the change room.
But WAIT, first suck in that gut and discreetly tuck in the underpanties so you have a nice roll of fabric sitting high on your ample, pasty, white thighs. All set now--go out to check how you look in the mirror -- before the store inexplicitely fills with every distant friend and neighbour you have ever met in your lifetime.
After twisting and turning so many times you start to feel lightheaded, the VERDICT is in.
The JUDGE (you) and the JURY (every salesperson in the store and your best friend, who you brought along for her valued opinion) all agree.
It's a keeper!
And ONLY cost $86.31 after tax.