Friday, May 23, 2008

Trial, Judge and Jury

Yes, ladies it is that time of the year that we all dread.
The annual bathing suit TRIALS.
(And lets all admit it is a real TRIAL to go swimsuit shopping.)
First and foremost, the pale as a ghost legs and arms that we are all sporting at this time of the year, does nothing to make us look good while in the changing room.
And the change room! Well some of those stores haven't cleaned their change rooms in such a long time that you are afraid to be in them fully clothed.
And the mirrors. Why oh why have so many places removed the mirrors from INSIDE the change room. So if you want to JUDGE how the suit looks, you have to leave the tiny little cubicle and brave the JURY standing out in the store.
Now shall we start talking about the swimsuits that are available for ladies of a certain age or size. Which sadistic person has designed some of these swimsuits that no self respecting lady would ever wear sunbathing much less try swimming in.
Note to all swimwear designers out there---the majority of women do not, I repeat, do not have finely tuned abdomen muscles and a derrière that you could bounce dimes off. And we have bosoms, not little walnut shells up on top.
So now we have rejected almost 98% of the stock that the store has available and we creep in to the creepy change room with the last two choices that we feel MIGHT be suitable.
Leaving our underpanties on, because we all know how much better a suit will look with stray bits hanging over and out, we manage to pull it halfway up before we peek out the door and politely ask the salesperson for the next two sizes up, please.
And the largest size fits. Applause. Applause.
Time to BEAR it all and leave the cozy confines of the change room.
But WAIT, first suck in that gut and discreetly tuck in the underpanties so you have a nice roll of fabric sitting high on your ample, pasty, white thighs. All set now--go out to check how you look in the mirror -- before the store inexplicitely fills with every distant friend and neighbour you have ever met in your lifetime.
After twisting and turning so many times you start to feel lightheaded, the VERDICT is in.
The JUDGE (you) and the JURY (every salesperson in the store and your best friend, who you brought along for her valued opinion) all agree.
It's a keeper!
And ONLY cost $86.31 after tax.


Mental P Mama said...

I think I'm going with what I already own. I don't have the mental strength to endure bathing suit shopping this year.

Bear Naked said...

Well mental p mama you're very lucky that your bathing suit still fits, mine doesn't. :(

How in heavens' name did mine manage to shrink in the drawer?

Joy Des Jardins said...

Swimsuits? What are those?

I love this post Bear Naked. I can't remember the last time I actually wore a swimsuit...honest. It was back in the stone age. But maybe it's a good thing....for all the reasons you mentioned...ha.

Bear Naked said...

Come on Joy---be brave-----if I can wear a swimsuit anyone can.

Time to see if I have a picture of a bear with cottage cheese thighs like mine.

Maria said...

Just packed my bathing suit and am heading out to enjoy some poolside time with an eight year old grand daughter.

Looked in the mirror and realized that my cottage cheese thighs have dimpled out into a highly enriched version.

"I will be brave and carefree." I will make this my mantra for the summer.

Thanks for the visit to my site. Yours is a delight.

Bear Naked said...

"I will be brave and carefree."

Great mantra.

Enjoy your poolside time.

Thank you for your kind remarks.

JeanMac said...

Sad to say, I can relate:)

Bear Naked said...

Yes jeanmac, remember when we were all sixteen, and complained that all the swimsuits looked "too old fashioned."

sablonneuse said...

Oh dear, I don't even wear skirts nowadays as it needs trousers to keep my legs from view. I'd never dare be seen in a swimsuit. (Can't swim anyway).
By the way, it's Fete de Meres in France tomorrow so, once again, I hope you'll join me in having (another) Happy Mothers' Day.

Bear Naked said...

Oh sablonneuse, thank you for again wishing me another Happy Mothers' Day. And the same to you.

Merle said...

Hi Bear Naked ~~ Nice to meet you and thanks for visiting from Joy's blog.
Thank you so much for the birthday greetings and I did enjoy this birthday very much. Thanks again, you are welcome any time. Take care
Cheers, Merle.

Bev said...

Makes us all wonder if the swimming is actually worth the humiliation!

Great read....

Kay Dennison said...

I cheat. I measure myself (as per their website or catalog) Land's End and tell them which of their "tugless" suits I like and give them the measurements. It works a treat and they really do fit well and really are "tugless". Cool, huh?